About those Asterisks **

So in my "Bringing You Up to Speed" post I mentioned it only took us a month to conceive Fin. But then there were those asterisks. Not sure if anyone noticed them but I did say we'd get into it later.

Well it's later now.

It was way back in June that Jason agreed to try for another baby. June 29th to be exact. You'd think I'd have jumped on it and wanted to get started right away but no. Part of me was nervous about the resentment he might have towards me in making him do something he really didn't want. He was just doing it for me. Just like us NOT having another was me having to submit to him. It was tough. There is absoultely no compromise in that situation, you know?

However, Jason convinced me that he knew he'd love another baby and he was willing to leave it up to God. But then there was our Vegas vacation for my 30th birthday we had planned in July. And I wanted to be able to imbibe. :) Hey, just being honest. We'd gotten pregnant the first month both times before so we weren't about to risk it by trying before Vegas so we waited to start trying till after that trip was over.

Our first month of "trying" didn't really count as trying. That was the month where I was thinking of trying to time and sway "things" in favor of a girl. And because of trying to time it according to the Shettles method, it ended up where we didn't actually get in a conception-worthy "try" at all. I didn't simply give up on the Shettles thing because it didn't happen the first month. So many things happened surrounding that issue and were placed on my heart that I just understood that trying for a girl was not what God was telling me to do. That was my own self wanting a daughter, and I'm not here to follow my own plans. I wrestled with it for a bit, honestly, but I always knew I'd be fine with either gender and God just really let me know that it wasn't up to me and my timing anyway. It's up to Him. Plus, Shettles "fails" ALL THE TIME. Part of me was still trying to rationalize how God wants us to be diligent, blah blah blah. But still, I didn't have a peace about the whole "girl" thing like many people do. So, since I had that still, small voice telling me it wasn't up to me anyway...that God has a plan no matter what I might try, we stopped any special "girl attempts". And that month didn't count as an attempt in the end anyway.

At that point we just started trying for a baby. It didn't work the first month so I stopped nursing Dalton and whaddya know: the next month it worked! On October 16 we found out we were pregnant. Jason was at work and on the phone with me. I was calling him back to tell him the test was negative when, as the test dried, it became what was actually a faint positive. I got 3 positive tests before I'd even hit 4 weeks. What was so cool and what seemed so "meant to be" is the baby was due June 29th...the anniversary of the day Jason agreed to three.

But, I'm sure you all can see where this story is going: it really wasn't meant to be. Just 13 days after we'd found out, I lost the baby. I was 5 weeks and 1 day along. It was October 28th. You can go back to the blog posts around that time. It's when all the drama was happening with my tooth. What blew me away back then is how some of my commenters could sense such a "sadness" in my posts.

Let me tell you, losing the baby just reaffirmed to me why we like to keep our pregnancies secret at first. Of the few people who knew about the pregnancy: doctors and dental staff, NO ONE seemed to say the "right" thing when I miscarried. It was awful. I felt so alone, but I certainly didn't want to tell people and have them say more horrible "comforting" crap they can think of to say. It made it all so much worse. It was 4 months ago today and even when we've told a handful of people about it since then, very few people really have the "right" things to say. Even people who have experienced it themselves. The pain of that loss is still very real to me so it's hard to dismiss what someone is thinking as a comforting thing to say as being, "Oh, s/he means well." I don't think of it that way (yet). I think of it as, "Why would someone think that's a good thing to say at a time like that?" So again, I'm very very glad that people didn't know at the time. It would've hurt so much worse to hear a few polite words from people and then watching them going on with their own lives and blogs and petty little cares. My dentist rambled on and on about miscarriage and all the people he knows that went through it and the bright side was we'd get to try again. This was within mere hours of the bleeding starting. I was sitting in his chair losing my baby and he was talking about the joys of trying again??? I just tried my best to ignore him as the tears fell down to my paper bib.

By the way, all I would've needed to hear was "I'm sorry" and had people leave it at that. Saying "Oh these things happen for a reason" or "there must've been something wrong with it" or anything else you try to pull out of your arse to "comfort" someone in that situation are certainly not the things I wanted to hear then or now. But it's hard for people to just leave it at "I'm so sorry", especially those that care about you so much and really want to fix it. So, again, that's why we kept it to ourselves. Till now.

Anyway, that was back in October when, on the blog, we have that video of Easton taking such sweet care of me? Of course the kids didn't know about the pregnancy. (Yet another reason I'm so glad it was still a secret, I would hate to have to explain that to them.) They just knew I wasn't feeling my best. I was so lucky Jason was able to take that time off work to just tend to the boys so that I could grieve and journal and spend some time with God.

As weird as it sounds, I'm thankful to have experienced the miscarriage because of what it has done in my walk with God. My faith was strengthened SO MUCH in the time following the miscarriage.

We took a month off from trying again because Jason wanted to but that first month back in the saddle was all it took. It's no wonder we're both planning on getting "fixed" now, is it?

I still feel sad about the baby we lost. I will carry that with me always, getting pregnant again did nothing to replace anything for me. To remember that little soul we got this Christmas ornament:


It was so perfect, largely because a pearl is the birthstone for June, when that baby was due. I also changed the ball on my belly ring to a pearl to remember that baby, I like that it's something no one else really ever sees to know it had changed, and I like that it's over my womb:

(Sorry for the close-up of my rather unattractive belly button with the stretch mark--my only one!--running through it and all).

I've also taken to wearing 12 additional pearls on the 28th (the day I lost the baby) of every month. One pearl for each day I "knew" that baby. I doubt I'll think to do that forever but so far, it's fresh enough that I don't forget.

Pictureless 'Pointment Post

So, I'd mentioned this was a week of appointments of the doctor variety for many of us. But, now we've gone to every single one so I'll fill ya in.

First Trimester Screen: Fin & Mommy
On Tuesday afternoon we headed up to the radiology department in the hospital for the formal ultrasound with the first trimester screen. First some techs do some measurments and check things out and then a perinatologist comes in to discuss. Jason met us there and the boys were feeling a little wild so they didn't stay the whole time but we got to check out Fin for a bit.

Looks great. All 4 limbs are there now, looking like limbs. Baby measured 5 days ahead. I was 12 weeks 1 day, it measured 12 weeks 6 days. Fin's heartrate was 169 this time. The nuchal translucency measurement which can help predict the chances of Down's Syndrome said that we have low chances. I also had blood drawn as part of the first trimester screen which can further help to predict both Trisomy 21 (D.S.) and Trisomy 18 risks. Nothing's perfect and I don't personally get the test to screen for either of those. I get them because somehow the blood levels mean something to my perinatologist in regards to my future preeclampsia risks. Like if I didn't have the history I have, I wouldn't get this test done at all. We didn't with Easton.

The gals doing the scan told me I should be an ultrasound model. One girl was training another and I guess my uterus and fetus were particularly tech-friendly or something. Actually, Fin amused me. Both Easton and Dalton were very active at this age, almost showing off for ultrasounds. Not Fin. Fin seems a little more dramatic and would turn it's back all huffy-like when they'd try to capture certain images, so they'd move the wand and Fin would do it again. Almost made Fin seem like a girl with that 'tude. ;) I have a whole disc full of pictures but I am not going to bother with doing screen captures and putting them up over here because none of the images englarge that great.

12 Week OB Visit: Fin & Mommy
Dalton and I dropped Easton off at school Thursday morning and skipped Roo in favor of having to only juggle one kid at the OB. We drove up there when, 9 minutes before my appointment, my phone rang. My doctor (who was not the one on call, I make sure of that now) apparently still got called out for a delivery and wouldn't be there. I could re-schedule or their nurse would be happy to see me. Seeing as how we'd driven 45 minutes and were already downstairs I said I'd see the nurse.

But how annoying.

I promise I understand the nature of the labor and delivery biz. I do. I remember many a times having to frantically track down another doctor because two women were delivering at once. I also remember when I nearly had to catch a kid myself because no one was around! But anyway, it's just getting super frustrating that this keeps happening to me. At my 6 week visit they had to reschedule me at the last minute only to have me come back and still no one could see me. Instead I got a phone call at 6 p.m. that night to discuss what we would have discussed.

Folks, I'm not just some regular ol' gal breezily walking in to have a baby. I'm high risk. If there is really no point to a 12 week visit, then why did they have me make one?

The nurse weighed me (haven't started gaining--yet--this pregnancy), checked my BP (I was too annoyed to ask what it was and she didn't volunteer), then she said I looked "peaked" and suggested I stop taking my prenatals for a week because that is probably what is making me nauseaus. She listened to Fin's heartbeat (146) and then we were on our way. How stupid.

The part that really frustrated me was I walked out only to see the doctor I should've seen! She was back??? Why couldn't she rush in to my room just to check real quick? Argh!

So, after that I was feeling like leaving their practice (we did leave during E's pregnancy because of all this shiz-nit). Dalton and I wandered over to my old unit to complain and see who the best OB was at another practice. Everyone was happy to see us. Many of them didn't know about Dalton so that was fun. He charmed them all and I gathered the advice to simply speak to the main doctors at my current practice and share my concerns. That the other OBs at the other practice truly don't compare and they wouldn't switch to them, just insist things be different at my current place. We'll see. I'm really bad with confrontation. Really bad.

So far I still plan to go there for my 16 week check and probably I won't have said anything by then. But I should!

ENT Clinic: Easton
Thursday afternoon we headed to the Children's Hospital ENT Clinic for Easton's long-awaited "anosmia" visit. We had to wait a really long time for a doctor to come into our room (like, over half an hour) but once he came it was fine. Easton was sooooooo great for the docs. First it was a pediatric fellow (no, seriously, like doing his fellowship) and he checked E out and listened to why I think he can't smell. Then he was like, "Well, first we think of obvious things like something blocking air getting through his nose" and so he looked at some of that stuff...up E's nose, the tonsils, feeling around his throat, blah blah blah. Then said that his tonsils are only slightly big and that to see his adenoids they'd need to do a little scope thing through his nose but "Most kids do okay". Ack!

Luckily he then said, "Let me go talk to the real doctor I'm working with and see what she thinks". So wait, wait, wait some more and she comes in, does all the same stuff and hears the same stories from me but Easton is still being a super star. She then says the least invasive way to look at his adenoids would be an xray of his head. Much better. We can handle a picture no problem!

So more waiting for xray to come get E. Dalton can't go in the xray room but it's no big deal because neither can the pregnant lady. They said, "Oh, we'll need his jacket off" so he took off his fleece and headed towards the ladies. Then they were all, "Oh...he needs his shirt off too" to which Easton said, "Why do I need my shirt off, guys?" and they were all amused, "Guys! Oh ha ha ha." They said, "Do you want your mom to help?" and he was all, "No, I can do it myself because I'm a big kid." And then off he went. All by himself. They said he did great and he was very excited to see his picture later.

Adenoids weren't too big so then the doctors were all puzzled. The main doctor was like, "Honestly I've never heard of this in a kid so young, I just don't know what to do." Sort of thinking out loud for her fellow and my benefit she was like, "We could do a CT or MRI looking for problems (like tumors!) in that part of his brain but I don't think that's it, I don't really want to expose him to the radiation at this age and we'd have to sedate him. But, I mean...we could." She rambled on about how she doesn't know when kids developmentally start noticing smells (well, I have lots of friends with kids this age--I've asked them. E's not "normal" that way.) She said to do blind smell tests. Lady, I've been thinking about this for over a year. We've done smell tests. "I wonder if he smells gas at a gas station? Or how about scratch and sniff stickers? Kids like smelly stickers." Seriously, lady? So then I was all, "Okay, so say we go home and "teach" him some of these traditional smells you say you test adults with: coffee, lemon, and vanilla and I do more blind smell tests and nothing then what?" And that's when they were like, "I don't know."

Okay, clearly his lack of ability to smell isn't the end of the world, it doesn't sound immediately fixable (like removing adenoids) and it doesn't sound like they care either way. I just want to know...can my kid smell? And if he can't, what do we do? What adaptations need to be made? Clearly one day he can't smell his house burning down around him. Or a natural gas leak. Or spoiled food. Or his future girlfriend and her bad B.O. And I believe pheromones are a large part of seeking out a suitable mate...and he might not have that! :(

Anyway, apparently this doctor has 5 partners and she sounded all excited to talk to them about my little "medical mystery", but not necessarily to call us with a new plan. So we left basically not knowing much more than when we came in. Other than the new info that his adenoids and tonsils are on the larger side, but not problematic.

Frustrating.

I will do the new smell tests and then I will somehow find a way to send her the video. It's not like I want there to be something wrong with my kid, of course I don't. I just want to know. Like hearing tests on babies you could hook up their brain to electrodes to see if the brain registers the sound before the kid is old enough to, say, "Raise your hand when you hear a sound". So, she says, "I'm sure there's something like that for smell but I just wouldn't know where to put the electrodes." Great...I'll call Derek Shepherd. He'll know.

2 Year Well-Child: Dalton
We went to a new doctor...an actual pediatrician this time. We've always gone to family practice but as I discussed back in December or so, we felt like we should switch. We saw the newest doctor of the practice, because as the new guy he's the only one accepting new patients. But, we really liked him.

He was fantastic with the boys right off the bat. I can't say our former FP gal was "bad" with the boys, she just can't compare to how well Dr. J hit it off with both boys this morning. Seriously. He went to them first, high fiving and bumping knuckles and just chatting it up with them before he ever even introduced himself to me. And I liked it that way. So did the kids.

He is sooooooooooo laid back that I know Jason will love him. He just kind of watched Dalton and was like, "Do you have any concerns? He looks good, looks like he's developmentally on track and is clearly very verbal, does he like to color?" He asked a few questions about his eating habits but didn't act like he was concerned in any way...and because D is on the small side weight-wise I was so afraid he would be. It probably helped that they didn't have his old chart to see that he started off big and fell off the chart but I did tell him about it and he was like, "I think he's fine."

I do too!

Diddles was 23 1/2 pounds with his wet diaper (10%) and 33.75 inches (30%). We left with stickers and no shots!

The guy was so easy going but I still felt like if I had a concern he would take it seriously. For instance, even though Dalton wasn't getting a shot I asked him about something I'd recently heard about aborted fetal cells being part of certain vaccines and I really liked how he handled the discussion. Important.

So, I think we'll keep going to him for now. The rare times the boys need a doctor, that is.

And now I think you're all up to date with our doctor-stravaganza this week.

This Last Week

So before I got stuck recapping the trip and D's b-day, we'd still been doing stuff.

Like all the way back to last week on Wednesday after Carson left the boys and I went to Wal-Mart...only E and D were both in Batman costumes. Easton goes out in costume all the time but Dalton rarely joins him. I couldn't believe how much more attention we got. But it was cute.

The next day was Thursday, E's first day back at school. Dalton and I did our usual breakfast:




Followed by Roo and picking up Bubba. It was class picture day at school so I had Eastie dressed in his finest attire. When he got home I asked him to show me how he'd posed for the picture:

Oh great.

Next we put Diddles to bed and Easton and I got to go through his Valentine's bag. He'd missed his class party while we were in California but they still all brought stuff for him, of course. What a fun surprise that was!




I let him pick out one of the treats for after lunch. He picked a Snickers, "The biggest one of all!!!"

Later that day found E dressed up as Wonder Woman:

He's got a Cuddles tucked in there as a lasso. And how do you like that headband? Rather inventive as we're probably not going to buy him an actual Wonder Woman costume.

Someone's going to make a good big brother:


On Saturday morning we went out for breakfast. Yum yum. When the boys went into their rooms, I got to go meet Ember for chai at Starbucks for a couple of hours. She gave me back most of Dalton's baby clothes I'd loaned her and then some. Plus a infant seat and a bouncy chair. With Easton I didn't have any of that cool stuff...it was just him and I and I never needed a place to "put" him. I could entertain him all day long when he wasn't napping. With Dalton we had the swing. And now with this one we'll have a swing and the bouncy seat. I'm sure I'll need a place to put the kid once in awhile while I tend to the other two. A mom's only got so many hands...

When I got home that afternoon we took the boys out on their bikes. We finally exchanged the too-small bike helmet Easton had gotten for his birthday for a bigger one:


That means the Sesame Street helmet was free for Diddles to come along!


We only insist on the helmets...knees and elbows can heal. But the boys both insist on all the gear. May as well, right?

Easton is doing much much better on his bike now. Even on the hills!


Dalton still can't quite reach the pedals on the trike yet:


One cool dude:


See...I've told you he's adventurous:


Being brothers:


Sunday morning found us at church. Both boys had a hard time getting dropped off that day but when I picked up D it was the first time he didn't cry tears of relief. I went to his room and all the kids were attempting to play Ring Around the Rosie which is probably the cutest things I'd seen in awhile. When he saw me he shouted, "Mommy!" and ran over but didn't cry. Yay! Easton had done okay in the end too.

Sunday night was D's Sweet Tomatoes gathering. And I'd recapped Monday already for you.

But on to Tuesday, which was a school day for E. He got to bring his seashells from California for Show & Tell. A couple of weeks ago he brought a book about a baby to announce his coming sibling to his class. A few kids actually went home and told their parents so I got congratulated later. :)

I totally forget what Dalton and I did Tuesday morning but I do remember he wore his new Plex hoodie and looks like a total big boy here:


Yesterday was Wednesday, Carson was here. We often make muffins when Carson is here:


Diddles showing his personality:




Easton asked me to take a picture of him but fell down as he posed, but that didn't keep him from still smiling for his picture, almost like "I meant to do that":


Then, of course, Little Bubs needed one too:


And just more being brothers...


I have more pictures from yesterday afternoon but haven't transferred them yet.

Dudes, I'm getting soooooo sick of people still being in our house. No, the basement isn't done. Apparently I should expect things like this when dealing with contractors but sheesh. Yesterday the guy (the one who brings his dog and clogs my toilet) didn't show up till after 10:00 a.m. but then stayed till 7:00 p.m. And the only reason he left then is because we told him we had to get the kids ready for bed. Wake-up at a normal time and get over here sooner, dude. Sheesh. The painter is here now and he just stunk up the bathroom too. Seriously, you just arrived. Do you not think you could've taken care of that business before you came to my house??? Ick!!!

I'm ready to have a basement back...our house is falling apart with me having all the crap that goes along with the first trimester and having nowhere to put anything the few times I've felt like doing much.

Ugh.

Okay, complaining over.

Just wait till next time when I share what happened at my OB visit today. Argh!

Dalton is 2

Which you all already knew. But now we can recap the celebration. Sadly, sweet Diddles doesn't really have a lot of friends of his own. Sure, everyone loves Lil D but you can't simply invite "everyone" to a party because then it looks like you're grubbin' for gifts, ya know? So, he didn't get to have a friend party. Instead, on the night before his birthday we invited Gramoo, Grammy, Grandpa John, and our friends Baby John's family out to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner.

But first he got to pick out a balloon:


We said that Easton could pick one too and he said, "But it's Dalton's birthday." Later we also told him he could pick out a candy and he said, "For Dalton?" Sweetie poo.

At one point during the meal Easton whispered something to Jason. Jason then announced, "Easton would like me to say, 'Welcome to Dalton's Birthday Party, Everyone!!!'" So cute.

Here's the birthday boy at dinner:


And getting to dive in (literally) to some presents:


I think he had a nice time. Both my boys really enjoyed hanging out with Baby John's little brothers. They're twins and E and D just can't get enough lovin' on them.

The next morning Dalton didn't sleep too well, so around 6:45 I went in to rock with him and he ended up going back to sleep. Till 8:30! So, he missed his birth time but we took a picture as soon as we saw him. Easton and I went in to get him singing, "Happy Birthday":


J had been in the shower but he got to get in some birthday greetings too:


Easton "decorated" the room for Dalton with socks as streamers and slippers as "pretend confetti". He was so happy for his brother. We let Diddles pick what he wanted for breakfast by showing him the Krispy Kreme and McDonald's logos on the computer. He voted, "Doughnuts! Doughnuts!" So off to Krispy Kreme we went:




Then it was time to come back home for some presents:








Clearly excited at the Toy Story stuff in the box:




Dalton scored that Thomas shirt, a Plex from Gabba Gabba shirt, some Toy Story stuff, some Melissa & Doug blocks, a Diego Dinosaur Rescue Mountain:


...and a train table!


The Maws sweetly sent a little something for Easton too:

G-Ma and July both come from LARGE families themselves, they must know how much it can suck when it's always someone else's birthday.

Shortly after present opening, Dalton and I headed to Target for his birthday portraits. Jason and Easton stayed behind and ended up going "exploring". They called me on my way home to pick them up at some lakes not too near the house. :) Dalton and I brought Chick-fil-a and then it was nap time.

While D napped, Jason went to work on the train table. Easton joined him later and his job was opening all the goodies from their bags:


Dalton was awake long before it was finished:


They got a tiny bit of time to play, Easton likes it too! I can't wait till the basement is done so it can go down there!


The day before I had asked Dalton what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday and began listing some choices when he interrupted with "Cookies!" so we took him to the store to pick out which kind he wanted (a mix) and I made those while they played with the train table.

But we didn't eat 'em right away...first we had to go to Chuck E. Cheese's!








Thinking he knows how to Ski Ball:




We got Dalton's 20 free birthday tokens and brought some from home as well. We didn't stay too long. We don't usually eat at Chuck E's so we hit up Noodles for some take out on the way home and came home to eat:


Easton's trying to help Dalton learn to hold up two fingers:


There! This counts! One and one is two!


We capped off the meal with Dalton's cookies (two for him!) and sang happy birthday while he blew out his candles. He blew the first one out while we were still singing but got them both out on his own. Whew!


It was a great, although quiet, celebration!!! Happy birthday to our Sweet D!