About those Asterisks **

So in my "Bringing You Up to Speed" post I mentioned it only took us a month to conceive Fin. But then there were those asterisks. Not sure if anyone noticed them but I did say we'd get into it later.

Well it's later now.

It was way back in June that Jason agreed to try for another baby. June 29th to be exact. You'd think I'd have jumped on it and wanted to get started right away but no. Part of me was nervous about the resentment he might have towards me in making him do something he really didn't want. He was just doing it for me. Just like us NOT having another was me having to submit to him. It was tough. There is absoultely no compromise in that situation, you know?

However, Jason convinced me that he knew he'd love another baby and he was willing to leave it up to God. But then there was our Vegas vacation for my 30th birthday we had planned in July. And I wanted to be able to imbibe. :) Hey, just being honest. We'd gotten pregnant the first month both times before so we weren't about to risk it by trying before Vegas so we waited to start trying till after that trip was over.

Our first month of "trying" didn't really count as trying. That was the month where I was thinking of trying to time and sway "things" in favor of a girl. And because of trying to time it according to the Shettles method, it ended up where we didn't actually get in a conception-worthy "try" at all. I didn't simply give up on the Shettles thing because it didn't happen the first month. So many things happened surrounding that issue and were placed on my heart that I just understood that trying for a girl was not what God was telling me to do. That was my own self wanting a daughter, and I'm not here to follow my own plans. I wrestled with it for a bit, honestly, but I always knew I'd be fine with either gender and God just really let me know that it wasn't up to me and my timing anyway. It's up to Him. Plus, Shettles "fails" ALL THE TIME. Part of me was still trying to rationalize how God wants us to be diligent, blah blah blah. But still, I didn't have a peace about the whole "girl" thing like many people do. So, since I had that still, small voice telling me it wasn't up to me anyway...that God has a plan no matter what I might try, we stopped any special "girl attempts". And that month didn't count as an attempt in the end anyway.

At that point we just started trying for a baby. It didn't work the first month so I stopped nursing Dalton and whaddya know: the next month it worked! On October 16 we found out we were pregnant. Jason was at work and on the phone with me. I was calling him back to tell him the test was negative when, as the test dried, it became what was actually a faint positive. I got 3 positive tests before I'd even hit 4 weeks. What was so cool and what seemed so "meant to be" is the baby was due June 29th...the anniversary of the day Jason agreed to three.

But, I'm sure you all can see where this story is going: it really wasn't meant to be. Just 13 days after we'd found out, I lost the baby. I was 5 weeks and 1 day along. It was October 28th. You can go back to the blog posts around that time. It's when all the drama was happening with my tooth. What blew me away back then is how some of my commenters could sense such a "sadness" in my posts.

Let me tell you, losing the baby just reaffirmed to me why we like to keep our pregnancies secret at first. Of the few people who knew about the pregnancy: doctors and dental staff, NO ONE seemed to say the "right" thing when I miscarried. It was awful. I felt so alone, but I certainly didn't want to tell people and have them say more horrible "comforting" crap they can think of to say. It made it all so much worse. It was 4 months ago today and even when we've told a handful of people about it since then, very few people really have the "right" things to say. Even people who have experienced it themselves. The pain of that loss is still very real to me so it's hard to dismiss what someone is thinking as a comforting thing to say as being, "Oh, s/he means well." I don't think of it that way (yet). I think of it as, "Why would someone think that's a good thing to say at a time like that?" So again, I'm very very glad that people didn't know at the time. It would've hurt so much worse to hear a few polite words from people and then watching them going on with their own lives and blogs and petty little cares. My dentist rambled on and on about miscarriage and all the people he knows that went through it and the bright side was we'd get to try again. This was within mere hours of the bleeding starting. I was sitting in his chair losing my baby and he was talking about the joys of trying again??? I just tried my best to ignore him as the tears fell down to my paper bib.

By the way, all I would've needed to hear was "I'm sorry" and had people leave it at that. Saying "Oh these things happen for a reason" or "there must've been something wrong with it" or anything else you try to pull out of your arse to "comfort" someone in that situation are certainly not the things I wanted to hear then or now. But it's hard for people to just leave it at "I'm so sorry", especially those that care about you so much and really want to fix it. So, again, that's why we kept it to ourselves. Till now.

Anyway, that was back in October when, on the blog, we have that video of Easton taking such sweet care of me? Of course the kids didn't know about the pregnancy. (Yet another reason I'm so glad it was still a secret, I would hate to have to explain that to them.) They just knew I wasn't feeling my best. I was so lucky Jason was able to take that time off work to just tend to the boys so that I could grieve and journal and spend some time with God.

As weird as it sounds, I'm thankful to have experienced the miscarriage because of what it has done in my walk with God. My faith was strengthened SO MUCH in the time following the miscarriage.

We took a month off from trying again because Jason wanted to but that first month back in the saddle was all it took. It's no wonder we're both planning on getting "fixed" now, is it?

I still feel sad about the baby we lost. I will carry that with me always, getting pregnant again did nothing to replace anything for me. To remember that little soul we got this Christmas ornament:


It was so perfect, largely because a pearl is the birthstone for June, when that baby was due. I also changed the ball on my belly ring to a pearl to remember that baby, I like that it's something no one else really ever sees to know it had changed, and I like that it's over my womb:

(Sorry for the close-up of my rather unattractive belly button with the stretch mark--my only one!--running through it and all).

I've also taken to wearing 12 additional pearls on the 28th (the day I lost the baby) of every month. One pearl for each day I "knew" that baby. I doubt I'll think to do that forever but so far, it's fresh enough that I don't forget.